Month: April 2015

Thought patterns in flux

It’s strangely conflicting how sometimes I desperately want people to ask me how I am, yet at other times it seems stupid for someone to ask because, what I am really going to say? I think that sometimes I find the progress I have made hard, because sometimes it just feels like if I do stop holding it together, even for a couple of hours, it’s like I’m┬átaking steps backwards instead of forwards. But sometimes it just hurts, and the feelings I used to have constantly, of guilt or of a missing something, squeeze through and rattle my insides. It doesn’t happen so often anymore, but I don’t know what to do with those feelings when they do. I don’t know what feelings are ok and which aren’t, which are acceptable and which need to be changed. I suppose there’s a sense in which, sometimes, the whole process of having my thought patterns changed over the years, by the priest and more recently by therapy, is confusing, and I forget what’s right and wrong, or what’s good and bad, what’s helpful and unhelpful. In those moments I feel least human and most alien, like I’m not sure who I am.

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