Guilt creeps up on me and tries to grow in my mind, whispering that I am going to ruin the life of a man I believed I loved, that I cared about. Whispers that I have caused too much pain. The creeping guilt is so crippling. Debilitating. It makes it difficult to breathe. It feels sort of like my head is struggling to stay above water, heavy and dizzy, choking.
I know that I am doing the right thing by talking. I know, rationally, that I am not in the wrong. But a crippling, creeping guilt is difficult to shake. I have certainly shaken it to an extent or I would even have thought of talking about it and reporting him, and I am happy that I have moved forward so much and have an independent life. But it is still crippling. It still makes it harder for me to engage in intimate relationships. It still keeps me awake sometimes. It still makes me feel like I’m drowning sometimes.
I don’t know if it will ever go away. But it is reduced somehow. I do wish, though, that I knew a quicker way to stop feeling so crippled. I want to live a life freer of this. Some days and some nights are just hard.