Talked over the positives and negatives of people’s potential responses today, which really helped me process and think about what was going to happen. I was starting to get scared – I wouldn’t call it cold feet because I didn’t want to actually run away and I still maintained the conviction to carry the reporting forward, but I was getting scared thinking about the scale of impact my reporting would have.
I thought about the various people the news would hit especially hard, thinking about the negative feelings of shock and guilt, as well as the positives of closure and understanding. I have, after all, been absent from their lives for nearly a year now. I have spent only a handful of weeks with family and close friends back where the Church is and they are, and it will be good when they understand why I have been away, that I did not run away from them, that I still love them.
Positives and negatives. Worth thinking about. The negatives are hard yes, but the positives help one move forward and maintain strength.
The question for today has been, who should I talk to? When I should tell this person? Who should I talk to first? Should I delegate someone to tell a group of people? There have been a lot of questions of timing and which direction to take this in today. I seem to have thought through who to officially tell, though family and friends is still a bit of a hazy area. I don’t know who to tell in my family first, I need to think more about that. With friends, I suppose when I see them and when it comes up, though I can get someone I tell officially who is in our friendship group to talk to them if I need to so that will be good. I’m looking forward to going back to see my family and friends for a week in the Easter break from university, but I am anxious about people’s reactions and having to have the same difficult conversation multiple times.
When I was talking to my counsellor today she asked me what I was most afraid of happening in the coming months. I said that it was not necessarily people not believing me, but people responding by saying that they in fact believe that we were simply having an affair. We were not. It was grooming, abuse and rape. Not an affair. That is what I am most afraid of. Not of people not believing me (the people who love me and support me will do so), but of people saying that I am pathetic for complaining about what happened. And I know that someone is going to say it. Someone will say it, they always do. I just really hope it isn’t someone I really love. And I hope I can get past that.