reacting

Returning

I went back to one of the places I was abused recently.

I’m struggling today. I’m getting a lot of “flashes”, thinking of hurting myself, thinking that I can’t fix this, that it is always going to hurt me in a way which at times will seem unbearable.

I want to bleed or to burn, but I don’t want to leave a mark that other people will see. I want to quiet the storm in my head, in my heart, in my body, I want to breathe without feeling dizzy, to be able to concentrate on something other than the need to fight off the pain.

I want it to stop now.

Sexual healing is very profound work. It takes great courage to work through problems caused by the abuse. Your body may feel like a battleground over which you fight ghosts who have great power, reclaiming territory which is your birthright.
– Miriam Smolover, Therapist

Reactions

Today I have kept thinking about people’s reactions. How much hurt there will be. How hard it will be. I’ve been thinking about each individual person as well as the collective whole. Their faces, their eyes. Their pain. I suppose I need to try to think of it more as our pain than their pain. In a way I am causing it by speaking out, but I am also not the cause. I’m scared. But I suppose that’s obvious.

Despite fear, I have made progress with my work today, and have had some relaxing time on the XBox. Maybe I’ll treat myself to a chocolate cookie later. Some Disney films too maybe.

Whatever bad stuff you are going through, don’t forget the good stuff.