Returning

I went back to one of the places I was abused recently.

I’m struggling today. I’m getting a lot of “flashes”, thinking of hurting myself, thinking that I can’t fix this, that it is always going to hurt me in a way which at times will seem unbearable.

I want to bleed or to burn, but I don’t want to leave a mark that other people will see. I want to quiet the storm in my head, in my heart, in my body, I want to breathe without feeling dizzy, to be able to concentrate on something other than the need to fight off the pain.

I want it to stop now.

Sexual healing is very profound work. It takes great courage to work through problems caused by the abuse. Your body may feel like a battleground over which you fight ghosts who have great power, reclaiming territory which is your birthright.
– Miriam Smolover, Therapist

Waiting

It’s been so long but the process is still going. It’s been nearly two years but it’s not over yet. The police ruled that there was insufficient evidence, but now the Church have to decide whether to take it to tribunal, and it’s taken nine months for them to decide to examine the case at all. I can’t believe how long it is taking. It feels like the Church law deliberately exists to try and exhaust the victim into giving up. But I won’t. I do wish it was over though.